Hate the Abuser, not the Abused!
researched! This is why:
The shame that is felt by an abused person is so deep that
it takes years to unfold, then years to put in a safe place.
Some never get that far. They turn to drugs, alcohol, and
even eating disorders that tear their physical being apart.
Some even repeat the same actions that were done to them
with, their spouses or children.
Definition of Shame: "the painful feeling arising from the
consciousness of something dishonorable, improper,
ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another." In the issue
of abuse, shame is what the victim is left to deal with and
live with forever.
An abused person can turn their guilt towards their abuser
to free themselves of that horrible feeling, but they are
still scarred by shame. They continue to suffer in a torture
that is far worse than the actual abuse they have
experienced. To feel powerless and unable to stop the abuse,
is just the beginning of the after effects of the horrible
shock that their mind has had to deal with. To know and to
fear that it will occur again and again, and that they are
just one step away from crying out for help, but cannot, is
another part of the shame that haunts them.
Most abuse victims do not understand that it is not their
physical self that has undergone the abuse. The mental abuse
is what hurts so much. It's just a means to an end in the
abusers mind. It's a green light, so to speak, for them to
enter. The abuser will use that to feel the power that is
being seeked through abuse. And also to take away your
power, thus leaving you powerless. By making the abused
person feel powerless, their emotional well-being is
tortured. That is where the abused needs to start to repair
themselves, in their mind. They need to focus on their
emotional wounds first and foremost. Only then can the
healing process begin.
I really want to stress here that the abuser made sure that
you are in a NO WIN situation and that all the aces are in
their hand. There is not one thing that you could have said,
thought, or done in preparation for this horrible attack.
You are NOT at fault. The entire demeaning, emotional attack
was way out of your hands to stop. The abuser used a very
detailed plan in regards to what steps would get you at
exactly the right time and with what method.
Many victims will seek out professional help. Some victims
wait until they have already tried many, not so healthy,
ways to escape the reality of the abuse period. Some never
even get that far. They are the ones that give in to the
pain and elect to erase themselves. (suicide).
A very important thing that all abused victims should HEAR
me say is that your abuser has put a lot of energy and
thought into their plan. Their plan was to delete you of all
power and to make them "The All-Powerful". You had NO
chance, even before the beginning of your abuse. Have you
ever said that you would rather endure physical pain than to
have the mental agony eat you apart? That is what an abused
victim feels with every breathe they take.
The abuser will use any tricks to corner its prey, such as
coercion, weapons, surprise attacks, and an age difference
whether it be younger or much older victims. Abusers have
even been reported using their power in their job title, or
position as landlords. Male abusers may hold financial
security over their victims head as a threat in order to
keep them from leaving and seeking help outside the home
(prison). Men, in general, are more capable of using
violence than women. This fact alone places women as an
easier target for abuse.
Victims of abuse go through many different emotions through
out their existence, after the abuse, and even during. They
tend to:
-Think only negative
-Think with two minds
-Be quick to assume outcomes
-They are constantly comparing themselves to others and
usually putting themselves down
-They feel sorrowful for everyone around them, continue to
nurture a
resentment emotion, feel the need to always be holding
someone
responsible for their pain or vice-verse
-They allow low self-esteem to control them, thinking that
in some way if they keep themselves down, they will be
forgiven for their guilt. The same guilt that comes from the
shame of their nightmare.
Shame is a very controlling emotion. It's an emotion that
your mind can rid itself of. You must stop judging yourself.
Hate the abuser, hate the actions, and hate the ways that
you feel from the horrible experiences that you have
survived. Hate that you did not kill that bad person, hate
that someone else did not hear your cries for help, hate
that you were the chosen victim, hate that you did not wake
up and it was all a very bad dream. Hate all that and hate
it hard.
Now, separate that hate from the hate that you feel for
yourself. Scream at the hate that you feel inside. It is
that hate that is keeping you weak. With that weakness,
shame, guilt, self doubt, and self-hate are being allowed to
toy with your mind which is totally abusing your life now.
Can you see what has happened now? You, in fact have become
the abuser to you. The one thing that you hate so much is in
you now. As quickly as you can say "STOP", do it. Stop
abusing you. Stop allowing the past abuse to rule your life.
Laugh at it, kick at it, spit at it, call it the worst names
you can think of. PLEASE, PLEASE , JUST STOP HURTING YOU.
Love you, hug you, know that you are SPECIAL, and that you
are not the abuser. You were the victim, the innocent person
in a NO WIN situation. You can do it. Have faith in you.
It's time to change the chapter in your book and write a
much sunnier, happier chapter. You are the author of your
book of life. You can change the page. It is in your hands
to do.
Build your self-esteem so that you can stomp out your fears,
anxieties, and anger. I will look forward to reading your
new book. Please feel free to share with me your story, so I
can appreciate your book of life. There are also others
that may gain strength through your book. Abuse is not
acceptable, nor is it human. Please stop the abuse!!!
*******************************************
"Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible
marks of
bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone
that you
love and think loves you in return. It is estimated that
approximately
3 million incidents of domestic violence are reported each
year in the
United States."
-Dianne Feinstein
********************************************
"Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."
-Herbert WardBY:Dorothy
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